I've tried a few times to write about why I have found Chaturbate to be so compelling, exciting and interesting, but each time I've fallen flat on my face and not been able to get anywhere with it. I've been unable to get the words straight in my head, unable to get my thoughts clear; I've not been able to express what I want to say because I haven't known what I want to say. So let me start at the end this time: Chaturbate has had a liberating effect on me. I am eager to understand why.
And let me be clear about this - Chaturbate in itself is a website, a piece of technology, a blank canvas. What has really had a liberating effect are the people on it. And the cams I watch there are mostly female cams, but I also watch some couple cams, and very occasionally I might watch a transsexual cam. But for the most part the cams I watch, the rooms I visit, are female.
So it is a collective group of naked women who have had a much more profound effect on me than just turning me on. Why is this? *(On re-reading through this post, this sentence sounds a little patronising. I'm sorry if it comes across that way, because it isn't meant in that way at all.)
I think I know the answer, or part of it, but finding the words to express it is another matter altogether.
It is to do with traditional societal gender roles , and in some way what I have seen on Chaturbate flips them on their head - which, as far as I'm concerned, is a fantastic thing.
Before I saw Chaturbate, I'd never seen a cam site. Ever. To me, the only association a cam site had was as an annoying pop-up on my computer screen that I closed as quickly as possible. I had no interest in looking at those sites. They didn't appeal to me because I had preconceived ideas about what they would be - and that's something that I'm struggling to find the words to describe, so I'm going to stop trying. Basically, they didn't interest me.
What led me to Chaturbate in the first place, I have no idea. But something must have done, because I found myself there. And very quickly I saw that any preconceived ideas I had about cam sites not being for me were wrong.
I saw an explosion of sexual energy, freedom and expression that took my breath away. And this was female sexual energy, female sexual freedom, female sexual expression. And I loved it.
Now, of course I would love it, I'm a heterosexual man, right? What's not to like about naked women?
But it's more than that. I enjoy watching porn - and every woman I've ever had a sexual relationship with, or known well enough to talk about such things with, has also enjoyed watching porn. But I have to admit that a lot of commercially made porn is very male-centric in its attitudes, is very much focused on male pleasure, every single scene culminating with a male orgasm, and whether or not the woman has an orgasm is irrelevant.
It's at this point that it becomes very difficult to find the words to express what I want to say. On a very superficial level, the female-driven nature of what I've seen on Chaturbate is a refreshing antidote to what I often see in commercial porn. But again, the issue is deeper than that, and maybe ultimately it's an issue that's singularly personal to me, but the female-driven nature of what I've seen on Chaturbate doesn't just challenge traditional porn conventions, it also challenges traditional societal gender roles. And I believe this to be liberating for both sexes, because the traditional gender sexual roles exist in relation to each other, and to explode the myth of one also liberates the other.
And to be honest, in terms of traditional societal gender roles, I've never really felt comfortable associating myself with what it means to be a 'man' - and let me be clear that I am very happy with who I am, very happy with being male; it's just the gender role that comes with it that I've never felt comfortable with.
At a very early age I think I internalised a lot of negative messages about male identity, and specifically male sexuality. I grew up during a time of radical feminism, of the sort purported by Andrea Dworkin, and while I don't know much about her work, and I'm sure she did lots of valuable things to further the cause of women's rights, I do believe that she took her own experience as an abused woman and projected it onto all women, and by doing so she also projected onto all men the role of abuser. 'Porn is the theory, rape is the practice,' is a quote I heard when I was a teenager, and it had a devastating effect on me. I became filled with feelings of guilt and shame about finding pictures of naked women arousing, or just being attracted to women in general. The message that I internalised was that there's something inherently abusive about male sexuality.
All of my life I have been interested in all matters sexual - which might sound like a stupid thing to say, because who isn't? But I have been interested in it in terms of literature and art, in terms of embracing ones sexual identity as part of becoming a fully realised human being. I think there's a link between sexuality and creativity. I've always been drawn to writers who explore sexual matters, and perhaps combine them with the spiritual, such as Henry Miller or Erica Jong, both of whom helped me tremendously when I was a young adult struggling to find my identity.
But we do still live in a sexist society. Women are not treated equally. Sexism and misogyny are rampant. I abhor the casual sexualisation of women in the media and in society in general, and I am acutely sensitive to incidences of casual, everyday sexism that I hear and see only too frequently. I positively loathe and detest being around leering men who only see women as sex objects or who talk down to women.
But I love pornography, and on some - very subtle - level I struggle with this, even though rationally I know I shouldn't. There is nothing wrong with being sexual in a sexual context, but it is absolutely wrong to impose it on somebody who doesn't want it, or to use it to diminish or negate other aspects of a person's being.
What I have realised is that there's still a niggling, residual trace of the negative messages about male sexuality that I internalised as a teenager lingering inside me. No matter how many women I meet, the relationships I have, the sex I have, all the evidence to the contrary, there is still a poisonous seed of residual belief inside me about male sexuality being something that is somehow inherently abusive, something of which to be ashamed.
There is something about Chaturbate that has helped me with this, and I think it's for two main reasons. One is the just the fact that people being so free and open with their sexuality communicates a message of freedom - of liberation. Not everyone will see it that way, but just the fact of seeing someone who is uninhibited and confident in their sexuality I think encourages similar feelings in other people. But the deeper reason for me lies in the subversion of traditional societal gender sexual roles. Women are broadcasting on their own terms, expressing their sexuality however they choose. It is transgressive in the most positive way, and by subverting the traditional societal female gender role, it also - because gender roles exist in relation to each other - frees me from the prison of the traditional societal male gender role. I can watch and enjoy, not as a 'man', but as a human being.
And this is something that I have carried away with me into my daily life - it's something elusive but cathartic, a subtle shift inside me.
I have no idea if any of this makes any sense. This post has been hell to write, and I don't know if I've succeeded in expressing what I wanted to say. But what I'm writing about here - or at least attempting to write about - has made a world of difference to me. It has been positively liberating.
And there is so much more that I have enjoyed and been amazed by on Chaturbate. The warmth and friendliness of many of the women and couples I've seen on there, and also of many wonderful people in the chat, has been a absolute pleasure to be a part of. When I think back to the preconceived ideas I had about how cam sites would not be for me, I want to laugh at how wrong I was, because the people of Chaturbate have had a thoroughly positive effect on my life.
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